Vampires Suck (2010) Reviews

• Giving "Twilight" the treatment it deserved!!!

  davewriter20032010-10-31

  Normally, I don't review movies on here, but when I read everyone else slamming this movie, I thought maybe they should get the perspective of someone who enjoyed it. As a non-Twilight fan (haven't read the books and don't wish to for reasons to numerous to mention), I was determined to see this movie at the time when I wanted to tease a Twi-hard that I personally got to know from my disability social group about it. She refused to see this movie simply because they make fun of Twilight and Buffy, which motivated me even further. First off, yes, there were a lot of corny sex jokes, fart jokes, pop culture and celebrity references that many reviewers said wore out their welcome with projects like Epic Movie and Meet the Spartans. That may be true, but think about this for a minute. We are talking about a franchise that has spent 500 or so pages going on and on about Edward Cullen's "great" looks, using every descriptive synonym known to man, resulting in the most annoying teenyboppers since Benji and Joel Madden put the oh-so-overrated Good Charlotte on the music map, them and the Jonas Brothers. Ask anyone who has hated the Twilight series from the start, or started to hate it once they got through their Twilight-gushing phase (in other words, they grew up and developed literary taste!) Neither the books nor the movies deserve even a quarter of the recognition they got, because all the people behind it want you to focus on is how a naive, despairing, depressed girl who doesn't know what she wants getting into a love triangle with a fairy vampire and a werewolf. That and how gorgeous Robert Pattinson looks in his sparkles and pale makeup, and the same with Taylor Lautner in his shirtless scenes. The result: hordes of groupie girls going so far as to unrealistically want to have Edward Cullen and Jacob Black's children, despite the fact they are fictional characters. It's ridiculous and absurd, to say the least! This is why "Vampires Suck" can be halfway appreciated. You can easily laugh at the jokes in this movie because even those who hated it know that this highly overrated saga had this coming all along. And for the aforementioned crimes that this literary atrocity committed, the Twilight saga got the bashing and ridicule it so richly deserved. So if you disliked it the first time because it made you think of the unfunny torture you experienced after flops like the Scary Movie franchise after the first movie, Disaster Movie, Date Movie, Epic Movie, Superhero Movie, and so on, I challenge you to watch this again when it comes out on DVD, and think about what the "Twilight" saga has done to the worlds of both literature and cinema. I guarantee you'll developa new appreciation for this particular one.

• Vampires don't suck that much

  tari1uk2010-08-18

  Having had the misfortune of living with a family member who has every single spoof movie on DVD. I know from painful, bitter experience just how bad they've become over the years with Date Movie being singled out for particular attention at just how something so bad ever got released being beyond human comprehension! So it was with a huge amount of trepidation and bribing from my friend that I went along to see this and I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. Lets get it out there right now, it's not, nor will it ever be Academy Award material. The hint after all is in the genre name, it's a "spoof" movie, and to that end it lives up pretty well to expectation. There's the usual un-PC like jokes in there (baby and bowling ball spring to mind), the relatively unknown ensemble who end up doing a better job than the original cast. Jenn Proske as Becca Crane has Kristen Stewart's awkward-ness down to a tee, whilst Matt Lanter is a far hotter Edward than Robert Pattinson! True Twi-hards will HATE it with a vengeance, as it stereotypes everything bad about Twilight including the whole ongoing Team Edward/Team Jacob debate, and they'll definitely hate the ending, although I laughed my head off! Yes it's completely juvenile humour, yes there are glaring omissions in the script, it sometimes feels rushed, like they didn't know how to work a certain scene, so just grazed over it in their hurry to film another scene that they had worked on, but it's bloody good fun if you're just looking for a film where you don't need to think, and you're wanting to kill an hour or so of your time

• An improvement on the previous spoofs, but not saying much

  moviewizguy2010-07-10

  Becca, an anxious, non-vampire teen, is torn between two boys. Before she can choose, Becca must get around her controlling father, who embarrasses Becca by treating her like a child. Meanwhile, Becca's friends contend with their own romantic issues – all of which collide at the prom. VAMPIRES SUCK will surprise many people because it's an improvement over the previous spoof films directors Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer have been churning out for the past couple of years. However, that's like saying it's the better crap of all crap. The jokes still aren't funny and the filmmakers still don't realize the difference between satirizing and copying. But I would be lying to myself if I said I didn't find some good that came out of this film because there are some improvements. First of all, the performances are great by the two leads. In her first film, Jenn Proske does a dead on impersonation of Kristen Stewart. However, it's sad to see her in this because I think she's better than this. Matt Lanter also does a great impersonation of Robert Pattinson in his "pain" look. I don't know what made Ken Jeong come aboard the film but he's basically playing the same character in THE HANGOVER. He's not in the film that much, though. Also, I think it's pretty great that Carmen Electra isn't in here and I'm sure others will agree. The second obvious thing that stuck out to me was that the film focused on only the first two TWILIGHT films. The filmmakers finally learned that spoofing 600 movies is a bad thing. Saying that, the film still does have the many pop culture references, some too random to comment about. Fortunately, they really did tone it down quite a bit compared to the previous films where you get one every five seconds. You probably get one every five minutes here. I also liked the fact that it looked like an actual film because if you saw MEET THE SPARTANS and DISASTER MOVIE, you'd know the films were filled with shoddy sets made up in ten minutes. In here, you might question if they stole the sets and locations from the TWILIGHT films. I don't know if this counts as something good but I really think the film manages to create a decent storyline from the first two TWILIGHT films. Overall, the film is still bad because it's rarely funny, although I will admit I laughed at some bits that took a jab at the TWILIGHT series. If the story is better than the jokes itself, you know you got a bad comedy. It's an improvement from the last few spoof films, but that doesn't say much. I really don't recommend seeing it at all. If you must, just rent it on DVD that will inevitably come out a month after the film is released.

• Did what it had to do - Make fun of Twilight!

  OmNomNom_NomNom2010-08-17

  Being directed by the directors/writers of films such as the Scary Movie films, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans, etc., I knew that Vampires Suck won't be good at all, and just when I was getting tired of these kind of films, I didn't need it to. I only wanted to see this because it parodies the crappiest crap in the history of crap literature and crap film. I saw it, didn't really like it, but I was surprised - It made fun of Twilight, yet it was better than it in every single way! Like I do with the other spoof films, I only watched this for some hilarity (which some of you should do instead of bashing it). I couldn't help but burst out laughing at all the jokes, even if some of them were predictable. It doesn't only parodize Twilight, but pokes a tongue at the monotony of teenagers girls who are all manipulative narcissists, or a soldier of "Team Jacob". Compared to the forced acting in Twilight, the acting in this was Leonardo DiCaprio good. Their timing was perfect, they actually had facial expressions and varied their voice. Cough cough, Kristen. Cough cough. The good thing is that it was less boring than Twilight. It didn't waste its time on boring, senseless conversations - It was more "action-packed", it had more blood, the vampires actually seemed like vampires, and yes - You will see its astonishing horrible special effects that you always find in the other spoof films! Futheremore, the ending was epic!!! Let's just put it at that - One of the greatest film endings of all time... I think this is the second best spoof movie that I have seen (Spaceballs) being the first. You should give it a try, you won't be disappointed if you know what's coming.

• This movie sucks....less than expected!

  badumtssh2010-07-19

  After making the woefully regrettable decision to pay money to see "Epic Movie", I had vowed to stay far away from this movie and any other with the word "Movie" in the title. But, because I am faint of heart and/or an idiot, I allowed myself to be talked into watching a leaked version online because A) it was actually pretty funny, according to friends who had seen it already, B) it was only about 70 minutes long, and C) this Edward was actually hot. After watching it for myself, I would agree on all three counts (especially C….daaaaamn). It's no great cinematic achievement, but for a devoted Twilight hater such as myself, it was worth a chuckle or two. Sure, "Vampires Suck" meets many of the same pitfalls other parody movies do. It operates under the delusion that anyone out of diapers thinks that a character being bludgeoned over the head time and time again for absolutely no reason is comedy gold. It often relies on stupid pop culture jokes (Look! A Jersey Shore reference! It's funny because it is a Jersey shore reference!) and unoriginal gross-out humor (it's funny because you want to vomit! Haha!). But, so help me if I didn't find myself laughing at the way the film mercilessly mocks everything laughable about the Twilight movies, a series that, let's face it, lends itself pretty easily to parody. In fact, all "Vampires Suck" really had to do was recreate the first two Twilight films pretty much scene-for-scene, tweaking here and there to make the scenes only slightly more ridiculous than the originals. The result is actually a pretty clever send-up of the ludicrously over-the-top melodrama that Twilight lovers eat up. This film holds a mirror up to pretty much everything laughable about the series that proves that a wildly successful book/movie franchise does not necessarily need a "plot": the rabidity of its fan base; the shameless parade of shirtless males; the idea that teenage Stephanie Meyer…er, I mean, Bella, would be the object of every hot guy's lust despite being a mopy sourpuss with no trace of a personality; the insistence that Robert Pattinson is "sexy". The actress who plays Bella, or "Becca," as she is renamed, does a killer job parodying Kristen Stewart's mannerisms (hair-tucking, downward gazes, constant lower-lip biting) by which I mean she mimics them exactly and everyone laughs at them because they are stupid. Mocking Twilight is not exactly hard to do, but I have to say this film does it quite cleverly at many points. I'll even say that the ending is magnificent. Needless to say, "Vampires Suck" is for members of Team I Want a Boy Who Doesn't Want to Kill Me only, as I'm sure Twilight fans would not appreciate being forced to acknowledge that the thing they love is dumber than a sack of fruit fly larvae. However, since like I said the movie is pretty much just a re-creation of the original Twilight movies, many of the jokes are best appreciated having actually seen them. So you'll probably like this movie if you are not a Twilight fan, but have actually seen the movies because A) you were dragged there by a girl whose pants you really, REALLY wanted to get into, B) you were stoned, walked into the wrong theater, and failed to realize that it wasn't The Hangover until it was too late, or C) you are self-loathing and willingly subjected yourself to them out of morbid curiosity (like me). So if you hate Twilight and everything it stands for, take a break from your violent (yet strangely erotic) fantasies about Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner and go see "Vampires Suck". It will ease your tortured soul, and maybe, just maybe, restore a molecule of faith in the parody genre. It couldn't possibly be worse than "Meet the Spartans".