Ghouls (2008) Reviews

• SPOILER ALERT! If you're bed-ridden with illness with nothing else to do, this flick is for YOU!

  kiawa772008-07-12

  This was written while watching the world premier of "Ghouls". The opening scene shows disciples performing some kind of satanic hokey-pokey beneath poor animations of flying ghosties. I smell disappointment. Fight hateful clouds with firearms! The guns prove to be more effective when the spirits morph into Halloween costumes. A cursed Romanian village! Here we meet the creepy brother Vladimir. Of all the Romanian names to choose from, they picked Vlad. So far, I believe the work horse is this film's most intelligent character. We get to a tavern. Vlad's pals seem menacing. Could these be our jolly dancers from the beginning? Their cigarette smoke offers a plausible explanation as to the appearance of the "ghouls". I can't wait to see what's in the evil trunk under the bed. But the funeral awaits! For you musicians out there, just mute this whole part. Nothing like being spoon-fed a ridiculously boring and overdone plot line. The gore is unrealistic and hokey, but at least it's something to spice things up. Jen runs; I can't wait for her to trip over the body. Yup: the never-before-seen monster-on-man-eating-his-flesh scene. Who among us doesn't enjoy a bloody femur now and then? Such a smart young lady to scream and draw attention to herself! Fortunately, we've got Ghoul-Hunter to save the day. Okay, so Jen isn't that brilliant: "Is this some kind of tourist prank?" She then follows the stranger down into a crypt. She just saw a man get eaten by a monster, but her biggest worry is the presence of spiders. Good thing we have Thomas here to explain everything to us. Otherwise, we'd never get it. However, if this movie goes according to the regular Sci-Fi Original plan, he will fall in love with Jen and find a way to spare her. I now wonder how the cloud-form-ghouls can make screechy sounds without vocal cords. The girl races back to the inn, suddenly able to navigate the unfamiliar Romanian village. Shockingly, she is locked inside her room (with the evil trunk) by the old innkeeper. She could probably toss the nightstand through the window and escape rather than fruitlessly pound on the door, but we've already seen a few examples of her lack of ingenuity. Liz confronts Stephan with a gun and news of a cult. No imminent demise here. I am perplexed as to why he would kill her rather than feed her to the ghouls, being the hungry bunch that they are. Error: Stephan should have blood spatter on his shirt. After Thomas fails to save Jen from the evil brothers, I'm happy to see that Liz's corpse wasn't wasted after all. There are probably ghouls starving in Africa... I'm quite sure that a grenade exploding under a horse would kill it. This is truly a sci-fi film when the equine (apparently named "Willy") isn't even spooked by the explosion, yet it launched the two brothers off the wagon. Our next stop is at a church where the Last of the Druids readily informs the priest of their desire to hide out from armed Romanians and ghouls. Hopefully he's not in league with the sort of evil that has enveloped the rest of the village… Thomas the Brilliant knows Jen is the vessel. But instead of killing her, he teaches her how to load his gun (and not metaphorically…yet!) For having just met a couple hours earlier, love is in the air. The only question now is if he will save her before or after she's possessed by the Ghoul Queen. A Romanian sits mounted on a horse that bears a striking resemblance to Willy, but at least now Thomas has a ride... until, of course, he is attacked by a ghoul. Knocked to the ground, Thomas mysteriously remains uneaten. Unconscious, his dead mentor advises: "You must be victorious." DUH! Meanwhile, Jen is recaptured. Daddy tried to console her with words about destiny, but Jen is not moved. To my surprise, she isn't as upset as I thought she'd be at the prospect of being possessed by an ancient ghoul queen. A distraction! The timeless ceremony will have to be put on hold, which gives Thomas the perfect opportunity to free Jen. During one of the most dazzling fight scenes ever, Jen screams a lot which you'd think would bring back the mob. A quick stab to a ghoul, and they're free… only to be recaptured. Jen agrees to go with her father to save the one she has loved for so long (less than a day). The ghouls are quite vocal as they flutter above, and the ceremony begins. I'm surprised to see that things got this far, but Mommy makes an appearance that gives us hope... assuming that's for a world free from flesh-eating ghosties. I hope Jen's first act as Ghoul Queen is to slay her cruel father, but she doesn't. Oh well... After the commercial break however, we find Jen is indeed a woman scorned; she rips out Daddy's heart. That'll learn him! Thomas cannot bring himself to fulfill his life's purpose and kill Jen because she is, after all, his dear love (after just a day). "Dammit" is all he can bear to utter as she falls on him, mostly dead. But Thomas has the power to heal (just not his own wounds). Jen awakens, and thus comes the great ending: they walk together in the woods at night. We'll never know what was in the evil trunk. Nor will we ever know where the ghouls flew off to or what law officials will do once the myriad of half-eaten corpses are discovered in the village. However, there's an opening for "Ghouls II" since Jen and Thomas will undoubtedly spawn little half-druids.

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• Mediocre and Lame

  claudio_carvalho2010-07-23

  Stefan (William Atherton) invites his daughter Jennifer (Kristen Renton) to travel to Romania for the funeral of his mother. His mystic girlfriend Liz (Erin Gray) travels with them to the cursed village of Pelosoara, where they are welcomed by Stefan's brother Vladimir (Dan Badarau), and sooner Jennifer finds the locals very weird people. Jennifer learns that she is the only woman from the bloodline of her father and in the funeral a stranger approaches to Jennifer and asks her to meet him in the square in one hour. When Jennifer arrives in the spot, she sees a creature devouring the man and is saved by Thomas (James DeBello). The man tells her that he is the last druid on Earth protecting the world against the evil ancients that were defeated by the druids in the past and banished to the spiritual world. In that night, there would have a reclamation ceremony where the evil queen possesses a vessel to open a vortex between the spiritual and the real world to bring the ancients back to Earth, but he has a dagger to kill the vessel and save the world. Sooner Jennifer discovers that she is the intended vessel and her father is part of the conspiracy. "Ghouls" is a mediocre and lame film, with poor screenplay, direction, acting and special effects. This terrible movie is a waste of time and I do not intend to lose more time writing about it. There are only three favorable reviews and eleven that have also hated this flick. My vote is three. Title (Brazil): "Almas Perversas" ("Wicked Souls")

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• Ghoulishly unentertaining

  player_pawn2008-09-28

  Gary Jones' directorial debut, 1995's MOSQUITO, is a perfect example of an entertaining, purposely cheesy genre film. You want wacky? It features the titular insects dining on alien corpses, growing to obscene sizes and then attacking a humdrum forest community. Much blood is splattered, Gunnar Hansen robs a bank and now, DVD copies run over 100 bucks on eBay. Now, lucky 13 years later, Jones (who also directed The Asylum's enjoyably inane JOLLY ROGER: MASSACRE AT CUTTER'S COVE) has teamed up with no less than three scriptwriters for his first foray into the realm of Sci Fi Channel cinema. One could only assume that given his talent for goofy horror, GHOULS would end up a fun supernatural romp. But we all know what happens when we assume, and GHOULS sadly makes an ass out of you, me and anyone else foolish enough to watch this terrible mess. When college cutie Jen (Kristen Renton) finds out that her estranged Romanian grandmother recently passed away, it's the perfect excuse for her and her father (GHOSTBUSTERS' William Atherton) to visit the old country. What she doesn't know is that a cult of "Ancients" have actually sacrificed her granny to a foursome of poorly animated CGI ghouls, using the power of jazz hands. Soon, oblivious little Jen is meeting her sleazy uncle Vlad (Dan Bararau), second-guessing her dad's seemingly sweet girlfriend (Erin Grey) and catching the eye of the local Druid ghoul hunter (CABIN FEVER's James DeBello). Yes, in a groan-inducing twist, her uncle is indeed named Vlad, and her new boy-toy uses grenades and shotguns to fight ghosts. The creatures, which defy all dictionary definitions of actual ghouls, are a mixture of atrocious digital work and actors traipsing around in bargain-bin Halloween costumes. A number of gratuitous close-ups, in which they shamelessly mug for the camera, showcase solid special makeup work, but it's simply not enough to save the film. Even the gore, which doesn't really get gushing until the one-hour mark, is cut together so quickly that we never really feel like we're seeing anything too nasty. Aside from some gut-munching, silly blood sprays and a few gouges, we're not catching much. As Jen wanders around the emptiest town in all of Eastern Europe, one gets the impression that there is something other than its citizens that's amiss. Side plots abound, although none of them seem to really pay off. Our heroine almost discovers a creepy crate hidden under her bed, but never opens it. Dad's girlfriend loves giving tarot-card readings (improperly), but never actually uses them for anything. Even the early loss of monster hunter Thomas' father offers nothing but an extremely drawn-out filler sequence in which the two prove how bad they truly are at ghoulbusting. A few minor twists precede GHOULS' final act, but they unfortunately fail to take the film in a new direction—and certainly don't hit their intended marks. Atherton, who sadly looks quite haggard, is sorely underused and doesn't offer us a memorable character, instead stirring up memories of far better roles he's taken (DIE HARD, anyone?). The same can unfortunately not be said for DeBello's Thomas, who is so lacking in personality that it took nearly 40 minutes of screen time for this reviewer to even notice he was playing the role. Only the women, both with significant TV credits under their belts, shine through this mess. Regrettably, neither Renton and Grey (of DAYS OF OUR LIVES and SILVER SPOONS, respectively) can rise above the quality of the production, with even the talented young lead falling victim to the absolute hilarity of the film's outrageous finale. The Sci Fi Channel's 2008 roster has been across the board, offering up the dreadful-but-fun HEATSTROKE, the surprisingly decent COPPERHEAD and the only moderately entertaining duo of ROCK MONSTER and AZTEC REX. GHOULS, however, has set new standards in how poor its films can get. Unless you've got friends who truly love tepid horror and an extra case of beer lying around, GHOULS is, sadly, a must-miss. Better luck next time, Sci Fi. You know I'll be back for more.

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• Am I Really The First to be Subjected to This?

  bobwildhorror2008-07-13

  It was only a couple short weeks ago that I was here, lamenting the Sci Fi Channel's wreck of a movie GRYPHON. I wondered if there was any way the channel could outdo itself given that travesty of good taste. Great news, people! Sci Fi has risen to the challenge, delivering this pinnacle of ineptitude. This isn't just a bad film; it's a bottom feeder of epic proportion. And the irony...oh, the irony...is that Sci Fi felt this picture worthy of "Event" status. It's not merely a Sci Fi Channel movie, but a "Sci Fi Channel Event." From now on, I'm going to appropriate the term: "Honey, did you just smash the car into that telephone pole?" "No, dear. You're mistaken. That was an event." Where do I begin? Let's start with the story. Soap actress Kristen Renton travels with her father to a spooky foreign city that is under the siege of "ghouls." Apparently these creatures -- which manifest as either Nintendo-style CGI or rubber masked Halloween costumes -- are trying to destroy the world. Only one man stands between them and domination: a laughable Clint Eastwood clone complete with cowboy duster. Did I mention that this character is the last in a long line of Druids(?) charged with leading the "forces of light against the forces of darkness?" That the hundreds of years of skill handed down to him involve use of a shotgun? That, when all else fails, he tosses hand grenades at the offending creatures? Oh, people, you have not laughed until you've seen Clint Eastwood flinging grenades at Nintendo blurs in the city cemetery! To be fair, the city is a genuinely creepy setting. But any ambiance is scuttled by the muddled monster effects, the ridiculous gore effects, and the quick cutting designed to hide the muddled monster effects and bad gore effects... And I have yet to get to the acting or continuity (where actors desperately try to escape the ghouls in one shot and then leisurely stroll into frame in the next). I'm sure there will be those who will view my review as something of a challenge: "It can't be that bad." Rest assured, it can. It actually verges on the ludicrous. And before anyone blames GHOULS' failings on budget issues, I will again assert that low-budget does not have to mean a ludicrous premise and bad effects/execution. These are the hallmark of the Sci Fi Channel.

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• So Bad, It's Awful, and Not Nearly as Fun to Watch as the Unbearable Harpies...

  fearfulofspiders2008-09-05

  Ghouls is so lame and dimwitted, it rivals the very horribleness of Harpies. The story goes absolutely no where. The first hour is the girl running around from the ghouls, shrieking to her heart's content, and a druid who seems to be lost, as he wanders around aimlessly through 2/3rds of the film. The acting is... I think atrocious is too kind. It's damning it's so bad. The special effects are right up there with the original Ghostbusters... and not in a good way. Slimer could beat the crap out of these ghouls in realism. All in all, there's no redeeming quality in Ghouls. It could be summarized into two sentences as to what happens to who, and what the effect is. This is just too dumb to be considered even a guilty pleasure like Harpies. It's unbearable to watch, and with every fiber in my being, please, do not watch this.

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